Encourage Rather Than Praise Your Young Child
We have been taught to praise our children and we have been told that this is good for their self esteem and that it will, in the long run, help them to do their best.
There's a new twist to this old strategy. And there's something better! It's called "Encouragement."
Let's take a look at each of these and we'll see the advantages, or disadvantages, they hold.
Praise. It makes us feel good. It gives us the idea that we can do or have done a good job at whatever we got praised for. Our children look to us for praise for these reasons and, especially, as they get used to being praised you will find they want more and more of it. It's a little like eating sweets - you just can't get enough, whether it's good for you or not.
But there are some issues with praise. For one thing, as adults we often use it to manipulate children. "I like the way Josy is cleaning up her room." (Interpret: I want you to clean your room just like your sister!) In the long run, this sets up problems of competition between Josy and her sister that may not establish the kind of sibling relationship you would like them to have.)
For another thing, praise leads your child to be dependent on you because he or she will rely on your evaluation of what is good or bad, right or wrong. And, if you, the judge, can say its good you can also say it's bad. Therefore praise creates stress for children and puts them on the defensive.
As we continue to judge, we take away the child's authority to judge his or her own work. When this happens, children become uncertain about their ability to make decisions.
Therefore, we can conclude that praise, though well intentioned, actually invites comparison and competition which does not develop self esteem but decreases independence in the developing young child. Too much praise can make children anxious about their abilities, reluctant to take risks and try new things and unsure of how to evaluate their own efforts.
What is our alternative? We suggest that you encourage your children instead. How do we encourage young children? There are basically three ways:
1. Participate in their play. Become a partner with your child. Get right down on the rug and build something together with blocks. Take turns with them and generally follow their lead, letting them make the choices and decisions while you simply support whatever they suggest. Don't build for your child. Rather, ask what she would like to make and how she would like to make it. See below.
2. Encourage your young child to describe their efforts, ideas and products. Ask them questions such as "What can you tell me about your picture?" or "How did you build this tower?" or, "I noticed that you used all the red legoes in your boat and put these people inside it. What will you do next?"
3. Acknowledge your child's work and ideas by making specific comments. Rather than simply saying "good job!" Try saying something to the effect of "I see that you painted a blue circle with all these little red dots on it." Or, "You dressed your baby doll in the rain hat and pink dress!" These comments are objective and non judgmental and will open up possibilities of the exchange of conversation.
When you choose to encourage rather than praise your young child you are establishing a lifelong habit for your child to engage in her work because she wants to and is interested, rather than because she wants your praise. You are encouraging independent thinking and a deep sense of self esteem and self empowerment. You will have a child who says to the world "I can!"
There's a new twist to this old strategy. And there's something better! It's called "Encouragement."
Let's take a look at each of these and we'll see the advantages, or disadvantages, they hold.
Praise. It makes us feel good. It gives us the idea that we can do or have done a good job at whatever we got praised for. Our children look to us for praise for these reasons and, especially, as they get used to being praised you will find they want more and more of it. It's a little like eating sweets - you just can't get enough, whether it's good for you or not.
But there are some issues with praise. For one thing, as adults we often use it to manipulate children. "I like the way Josy is cleaning up her room." (Interpret: I want you to clean your room just like your sister!) In the long run, this sets up problems of competition between Josy and her sister that may not establish the kind of sibling relationship you would like them to have.)
For another thing, praise leads your child to be dependent on you because he or she will rely on your evaluation of what is good or bad, right or wrong. And, if you, the judge, can say its good you can also say it's bad. Therefore praise creates stress for children and puts them on the defensive.
As we continue to judge, we take away the child's authority to judge his or her own work. When this happens, children become uncertain about their ability to make decisions.
Therefore, we can conclude that praise, though well intentioned, actually invites comparison and competition which does not develop self esteem but decreases independence in the developing young child. Too much praise can make children anxious about their abilities, reluctant to take risks and try new things and unsure of how to evaluate their own efforts.
What is our alternative? We suggest that you encourage your children instead. How do we encourage young children? There are basically three ways:
1. Participate in their play. Become a partner with your child. Get right down on the rug and build something together with blocks. Take turns with them and generally follow their lead, letting them make the choices and decisions while you simply support whatever they suggest. Don't build for your child. Rather, ask what she would like to make and how she would like to make it. See below.
2. Encourage your young child to describe their efforts, ideas and products. Ask them questions such as "What can you tell me about your picture?" or "How did you build this tower?" or, "I noticed that you used all the red legoes in your boat and put these people inside it. What will you do next?"
3. Acknowledge your child's work and ideas by making specific comments. Rather than simply saying "good job!" Try saying something to the effect of "I see that you painted a blue circle with all these little red dots on it." Or, "You dressed your baby doll in the rain hat and pink dress!" These comments are objective and non judgmental and will open up possibilities of the exchange of conversation.
When you choose to encourage rather than praise your young child you are establishing a lifelong habit for your child to engage in her work because she wants to and is interested, rather than because she wants your praise. You are encouraging independent thinking and a deep sense of self esteem and self empowerment. You will have a child who says to the world "I can!"
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