Children encounter problems of all different kinds. They have problems with each other. Problems with us. Problems with materials they are using, games they are playing, projects they are engaged in. How we solve these problems with our children makes all the difference in how our children view their world.
Notice that the title of this article is "Solving Problems "with" your Child." That word "with" says it all. Solving problems together gives children a very precious gift: the ability to deal with the unknown, unplanned, seemingly untamed world around them in a way that empowers them. Solving problems together gives children the experience of being able to affect their world in a positive, satisfying and effective way. In a world of furiously fast change in every area of our lives, what greater gift can we give our children than the ability to face the unknown with confidence.

Frequently, as adults, we tend to want to solve problems for our children. Although this may be quick and simple the benefits are mostly for us. We get the problem out of the way. We can quickly move on with our day. We don't have to take the time to listen or stop whatever we're doing to deal with the child's situation in any depth.

When we take the time to solve problems with our children they learn how to solve problems on their own. In the process they learn language skills, social skills, they learn to consider other people's feelings and they learn to think creatively and to face the unknown with confidence.

So, knowing all these benefits, how do we solve problems together?
First of all, we stay calm. In every problem solving situation our calmness establishes the emotional environment, particularly if it is a conflict between two children. If we get angry we fuel the fire. Our calmness brings the peace that allows for the solution to be found.
Secondly, we listen. We listen to the child or children involved. If there are two children we listen to both sides of the story. We assume nothing without hearing the children's side of it.
Third, we repeat back to the children what they have said and in so doing we can clarify any language issues. It helps children to hear what they have just said. It gives them time to think.
Next, we facilitate the children's solution. We don't come up with the solution. We let the children find solutions they want to try. These solutions may not be what we would have thought of, but as both or all children involved agree to the solution, we give it a chance. Sometimes children will decide on a solution we don't think is fair in our adult idea of fairness. I have seen children argue over marbles, for instance, with one child holding most of the marbles and the other three children having none or very few. Our adult solution might have been to give each child an equal number of marbles. The children, however, decided that they would all get different amounts with the child who originally had the most receiving only one or two. Strangely enough, however, everyone involved was fine with this. The children proceeded to play together, inventing games, for the rest of play time.

This part of the process talks a while. Be patient. It takes longer in the beginning. Once you and the children are used to the process, it goes quickly. And after a while, children can do this by themselves, without you.
Finally, stay nearby in case you are needed as the children try out their solution. If it doesn't work, find another one together.

When you solve problems together children learn to be confident, relate well to others, and to think creatively as they face the unknown. These are skills that are well worth the time it takes us to start this process - a process that saves us time once it is mastered.