Oprah Show Recap: "The Gift of Fear" with Gavin de Becker
Original Air Date:
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
Oprah and Gavin de Becker on "The Gift of Fear":
When Oprah has guests on her show who have been victimized, she asks them when they first knew something was wrong - because she has always remembered the storied in Gavin de Becker's book "The Gift of Fear". What Gavin calls the gift of fear is the feeling that something is wrong before it happens, an intuition, which can be used as a weapon to prevent being a victim of a crime.
The Kelly Story from "The Gift of Fear":
A short version of the story from Gavin's book is about a woman named Kelly who was coming home from shopping in the evening.
When she arrived at the door to her building it was unlocked, when it should have been locked. Her neighbors had left it unlocked, so she opened it, locked it behind her, and started to go upstairs.
A bag of groceries she was carrying broke open and cans of cat food rolled down the stairs. A man called out that he would get it and when she heard his voice she didn't like it, but talked herself out of her gut feeling about him. When they got to her apartment door he said he would help her inside, even though she said she could handle it, he persisted and promised to leave after he dropped off her things.
He didn't keep his promise. He raped her in her bedroom, and after told her not to move that he was going to the kitchen. When he walked out she followed him closely behind - he went to the kitchen and she went to the apartment across the hall and saved her life.
He later killed another woman with a kitchen knife - listening to her second signal is what saved her life. She later told Gavin that she was a passenger on her own legs following her intuition.
A point Oprah remembers from the book is that "we are the only creatures that sense danger and walk right into it, all other animals sense danger and back out."
Nicole's Gift of Fear:
Nicole had a feeling that something strange was happening in her apartment. She would come home to lights on, a UPS package on her back balcony when she lived on the 3rd floor - enough to make her question, and eventually develop panic attacks. She decided to set up a hidden camera and watched the video to find a man entering her apartment, putting on her lingerie, masturbating, putting his clothes back on and leaving. Nicole did not recognize the man, but police were able to find him 2 weeks later and he was arrested. The man was charged with burglary for stealing the camera and is serving 8 years.
Gavin's Take on Nicole's Story:
Gavin pointed out how people persuade themselves to let the feeling go, and instead of questioning the outer world, turn the questioning on themselves - people will begin to doubt their sanity rather than believe the signs. He commended Nicole for listening to her intuition and stopping the situation before it escalated.
Gavin instructed that the feeling itself is the warning - as an example, Oprah referenced the Planet Earth series - the Impala lifts its head up when it senses the lion, not when it sees the lion, and runs away. Gavin elaborated by saying the Impala never questions that natural instinct.
Dorothy's Gift of Fear:
Dorothy was introduced to her boyfriend Kevan by a mutual friend - Kevan had similar interests, was intelligent and charming, willing to do whatever Dorothy wanted. Dorothy explained that Kevan had the tendency to give gifts with the expectation that she had to spend all of her time with him.
When Dorothy went on a trip to California, Kevan kept calling her, asking her to marry him over her cell phone. She told him no and that she didn't want to talk about it again. When she returned home, he asked again, describing the ring, house and plan he had mapped out of how it was going to work for them.
After over 4 years of red flags, Dorothy ended the relationship. He persisted with calls and repeated questions. Dorothy realized she was in trouble and that Kevan was stalking her, so she got a restraining order to give her piece of mind - a huge mistake she later realized.
One night when Dorothy was sound asleep she heard her name being shouted, and woke up to find Kevan standing above her with a knife wearing surgical gloves. She first crawled under the covers in a fetal position and began to pray but found power to stand up and walk out of the apartment, he followed her, but she told him to leave and he did.
Gavin's Take on Dorothy's Story:
Dorothy called 911 and Kevan was arrested and is now serving 4 years. When asked why she didn't panic, she said that she never panics because it doesn't get you anywhere.
Gavin pointed out that when someone persists marriage, or anything for that matter, not listening, Dorothy and all women should think why is this person trying to control me? Gavin explained "when a man says no it means end of discussion, but when a woman says no it's the beginning of the negotiation." Gavin stated that NO doesn't have to be a bad thing, Oprah continued that saying no to the other person is saying yes to yourself.
Jaki's Gift of Fear:
After Jaki's mother died, she wanted to care for her father like her parents had cared for her. Jaki's father had a series of mini-strokes and she hired round-the-clock home care for him, though when he came home from rehab she installed cameras because she didn't trust anyone - she didn't want caregivers stealing, etc. Jaki hired Anastasia and after watching her for 2 weeks was happy with her care and stopped watching - but continued taping.
After 2-3 weeks without watching the tapes, Jaki had a feeling that she had to watch them. She was shocked to see Anastasia beating her father on the tapes - she whispered to her father that she knew and left the house. When she returned she watched the film again and saw Anastasia threaten her father. She first made a copy of Anastasia's ID before calling the police - she was arrested and charged, but posted bail of $5000 and fled the country 8 days before her trial. Jaki's father is now in hospital care, but is not the same.
Gavin's Take on Jaki's Story:
Gavin shared his thoughts on installing nanny-cams and other cameras in a home - don't put a camera in if your instincts are telling you not to trust someone - fire them - don't experiment with your child. Don't install a camera in response to suspicion but to see compliance with instructions by a trusted person. Parents have a duty to ask every question, even if they think it's not appropriate. Gavin stated that Jaki's discovery was because she went back to watch the tapes, and many people don't do that.
Gavin on Being Nice and Restraining Orders:
Gavin described that men at their core are scared that a woman will laugh at him, but women are scared that a man will kill her. Being mean to a man does not promote the attack, Gavin explained, but that being nice opens up a continued conversation with someone you are afraid of.
Restraining orders do not work for every case, Gavin stated, so they can give a woman a false sense of security - many women have been killed with an order in their purse or bedside table. Gavin gave some tips for restraining orders: men see them as rejection, the critical time for violence is when the order is first given, restraining orders are not for preventing homicide or for irrational people, and orders are good for prosecutors and police - not always for women.
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
Oprah and Gavin de Becker on "The Gift of Fear":
When Oprah has guests on her show who have been victimized, she asks them when they first knew something was wrong - because she has always remembered the storied in Gavin de Becker's book "The Gift of Fear". What Gavin calls the gift of fear is the feeling that something is wrong before it happens, an intuition, which can be used as a weapon to prevent being a victim of a crime.
The Kelly Story from "The Gift of Fear":
A short version of the story from Gavin's book is about a woman named Kelly who was coming home from shopping in the evening.
When she arrived at the door to her building it was unlocked, when it should have been locked. Her neighbors had left it unlocked, so she opened it, locked it behind her, and started to go upstairs.
A bag of groceries she was carrying broke open and cans of cat food rolled down the stairs. A man called out that he would get it and when she heard his voice she didn't like it, but talked herself out of her gut feeling about him. When they got to her apartment door he said he would help her inside, even though she said she could handle it, he persisted and promised to leave after he dropped off her things.
He didn't keep his promise. He raped her in her bedroom, and after told her not to move that he was going to the kitchen. When he walked out she followed him closely behind - he went to the kitchen and she went to the apartment across the hall and saved her life.
He later killed another woman with a kitchen knife - listening to her second signal is what saved her life. She later told Gavin that she was a passenger on her own legs following her intuition.
A point Oprah remembers from the book is that "we are the only creatures that sense danger and walk right into it, all other animals sense danger and back out."
Nicole's Gift of Fear:
Nicole had a feeling that something strange was happening in her apartment. She would come home to lights on, a UPS package on her back balcony when she lived on the 3rd floor - enough to make her question, and eventually develop panic attacks. She decided to set up a hidden camera and watched the video to find a man entering her apartment, putting on her lingerie, masturbating, putting his clothes back on and leaving. Nicole did not recognize the man, but police were able to find him 2 weeks later and he was arrested. The man was charged with burglary for stealing the camera and is serving 8 years.
Gavin's Take on Nicole's Story:
Gavin pointed out how people persuade themselves to let the feeling go, and instead of questioning the outer world, turn the questioning on themselves - people will begin to doubt their sanity rather than believe the signs. He commended Nicole for listening to her intuition and stopping the situation before it escalated.
Gavin instructed that the feeling itself is the warning - as an example, Oprah referenced the Planet Earth series - the Impala lifts its head up when it senses the lion, not when it sees the lion, and runs away. Gavin elaborated by saying the Impala never questions that natural instinct.
Dorothy's Gift of Fear:
Dorothy was introduced to her boyfriend Kevan by a mutual friend - Kevan had similar interests, was intelligent and charming, willing to do whatever Dorothy wanted. Dorothy explained that Kevan had the tendency to give gifts with the expectation that she had to spend all of her time with him.
When Dorothy went on a trip to California, Kevan kept calling her, asking her to marry him over her cell phone. She told him no and that she didn't want to talk about it again. When she returned home, he asked again, describing the ring, house and plan he had mapped out of how it was going to work for them.
After over 4 years of red flags, Dorothy ended the relationship. He persisted with calls and repeated questions. Dorothy realized she was in trouble and that Kevan was stalking her, so she got a restraining order to give her piece of mind - a huge mistake she later realized.
One night when Dorothy was sound asleep she heard her name being shouted, and woke up to find Kevan standing above her with a knife wearing surgical gloves. She first crawled under the covers in a fetal position and began to pray but found power to stand up and walk out of the apartment, he followed her, but she told him to leave and he did.
Gavin's Take on Dorothy's Story:
Dorothy called 911 and Kevan was arrested and is now serving 4 years. When asked why she didn't panic, she said that she never panics because it doesn't get you anywhere.
Gavin pointed out that when someone persists marriage, or anything for that matter, not listening, Dorothy and all women should think why is this person trying to control me? Gavin explained "when a man says no it means end of discussion, but when a woman says no it's the beginning of the negotiation." Gavin stated that NO doesn't have to be a bad thing, Oprah continued that saying no to the other person is saying yes to yourself.
Jaki's Gift of Fear:
After Jaki's mother died, she wanted to care for her father like her parents had cared for her. Jaki's father had a series of mini-strokes and she hired round-the-clock home care for him, though when he came home from rehab she installed cameras because she didn't trust anyone - she didn't want caregivers stealing, etc. Jaki hired Anastasia and after watching her for 2 weeks was happy with her care and stopped watching - but continued taping.
After 2-3 weeks without watching the tapes, Jaki had a feeling that she had to watch them. She was shocked to see Anastasia beating her father on the tapes - she whispered to her father that she knew and left the house. When she returned she watched the film again and saw Anastasia threaten her father. She first made a copy of Anastasia's ID before calling the police - she was arrested and charged, but posted bail of $5000 and fled the country 8 days before her trial. Jaki's father is now in hospital care, but is not the same.
Gavin's Take on Jaki's Story:
Gavin shared his thoughts on installing nanny-cams and other cameras in a home - don't put a camera in if your instincts are telling you not to trust someone - fire them - don't experiment with your child. Don't install a camera in response to suspicion but to see compliance with instructions by a trusted person. Parents have a duty to ask every question, even if they think it's not appropriate. Gavin stated that Jaki's discovery was because she went back to watch the tapes, and many people don't do that.
Gavin on Being Nice and Restraining Orders:
Gavin described that men at their core are scared that a woman will laugh at him, but women are scared that a man will kill her. Being mean to a man does not promote the attack, Gavin explained, but that being nice opens up a continued conversation with someone you are afraid of.
Restraining orders do not work for every case, Gavin stated, so they can give a woman a false sense of security - many women have been killed with an order in their purse or bedside table. Gavin gave some tips for restraining orders: men see them as rejection, the critical time for violence is when the order is first given, restraining orders are not for preventing homicide or for irrational people, and orders are good for prosecutors and police - not always for women.
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