Did you ever try to give your child advice when they were feeling discouraged? Did you ever try to help them look for the good and think positive about a difficult situation? Did you ever try to say: "Honey, your math isn't hard, it is challenging.
Isn't that better way to look at this problem?" "You hair is not an ugly color, you just need to learn to stop listening to your silly friends! Think positive!" "Don't think about the foods you are allergic too.
Think about all the stuff you can eat!" Chances are your child will not thank you.
At best you will get the proverbial eye roll with a shrug of shoulders that signals irritation.
That is because it is tough for kids to accept advice from adults even if the advice is given just to help them cheer up and improve themselves.
Most experts agree that children do not respond well to advice even if it's given with the best of intentions.
This is because it interferes with a child's need for autonomy.
When given advice, children feel as if their parents are talking down to them.
Faber and Mazlish in their book, "How To Talk So Kids Will Listen" say, "When you give...
advice to children, they either feel stupid ("Why didn't I think of that myself?"), resentful ("Don't tell me how to run my life!"), or irritated ("What makes you think I didn't think of that already?").
Children also feel annoyed when parents work so hard to make them happy and cheer them up.
They feel pressured to stifle their natural feelings.
As I said in a previous post, it is frustrating to have to feel good when you are feeling bad, especially with the people whom you want to feel most comfortable.
This is difficult for parents.
We have a need to share our values and opinions with our children and we hate to see our children sad, disappointed and frustrated.
It is painful to watch our children struggle with the variety of problems they may have: a friend that teases, a tricky homework assignment or an irksome medical condition like food allergies.
What better way to cheer them up by giving them some advice? Besides, isn't it important to give children a new and upbeat way of looking at their problems and help them perceive their problems in a a positive way? Shouldn't we advise them that challenges are a part of life and we can use them to grow and better ourselves? Isn't it true that most health professionals feel that children and adults who focus on the negative aspects of their problem will become discouraged, even depressed? Yes, to the all the above questions.
However, we need to find ways to show our kids the positive side to their problems without interfering with their need to think for themselves and without pushing away their natural emotions.
To do that we first, need to accept their feelings with an empathetic response.
Then we can preface our advice with the following phrase, "It can be hard to remember": For example: "I see you are struggling with your math homework.
It can be hard to remember, that it is a great opportunity to exercise your brain muscles.
" "It can hurt so much when a friend teases you about your red hair.
It can be hard to remember, that in our family we think red hair is beautiful.
" "It is tough to be allergic to chocolate.
It can be hard to remember, all the good food you still can eat, like strawberry shortcake and vanilla ice cream.
" It can be challenging to build a great relationship with our kids.
Let's try to remember to speak respectfully and choose our words carefully.