Here I sit in this attic sweeping, attempting to remove the dust and grime from the past.  I thought I was prepared for the task at hand but the more I clean the more I see.  O, that the layers are so thick. When will I see a change?  When will I see the surface? It seems that as I move to section to section I must return to the previous spot.  The dust has returned. There is so much to do yet I am determined to keep working.  I refuse to give up.  I made up in my mind to finally address this attic.  It must be clean and free of debris.  There are some things that have been here for so long that I will have to scrub and soak overnight maybe even longer.  I know what; I will work each day till the job has been completed.  I understand that this is nothing that I can accomplish in an hour or even in a day yes it is going to take some time.  But I am up for the challenge.  There is something that, I want to do with this space. 

     So I keep working, diligently yet, I keep returning to certain areas.  I stop and examine my, method there is this breeze at times that seems to appear.  And yet at times there is just a gush of wind.  My god, there must be a crack or an open window that I cannot see yet I can feel the wind.  I know it is good to feel the wind, but this is a familiar wind.  A wind that made me shiver a strange feeling one that I did not welcome.

      It comes to me that I have not closed the windows of past hurts and disappointments.  I have not moved on.  I cleaned but I did not close the door, seal the cracks or let it go.  I have allowed the residue to return.   I noticed that each time, I cleaned that area the dust and grime was thicker, harder to remove but in time it was removed only to return.  Today, I decided to scrub and soak that area.  I need all things of this nature removed.  I need something in that place.  I need peace of mind, a freedom to live laugh and love.  I refuse to carry this residue anymore.  O that I need freedom to breathe without choking.

      I am at a crossroads to live or die. My spirit has been sluggish far too long.  I am tired of this feeling.  I am tired of this area.  I need more yet if only I would allow god to show me the proper way to clean, to remove, seal the cracks and close the doors and move on.  If I would just let him do just what he said he would do.  If only I would let him take care of me as I cannot take care of myself. If only I would rest in him as he is there patiently, waiting on me.  Loving me through it all, each time he has removed the dust and grime I have let it back in.  Don't get me wrong, I had control over what I allowed to be returned and what did not.  Some things returned because I had not learned.  Some things returned because I had not had enough.  Some things returned because my faith was being tested along with my patience, faithfulness & strength for encouragement for someone else.  But the things that I need to let go, this is my time and as I let go, my dear friend I encourage you to let go too.  We have held on to long.