I know first hand that the days and weeks following the discovery of a spouse's affair is truly a process of grief, although many of us do not realize it at the time.
We have to confront the loss of our marriage as we perceived it previously.
We are faced with the realization that our ability to judge and perceive and trust have suddenly been shattered.
There are many losses in an affair and all of these things can feel like death or profound loss.
Grieving is a natural response to this.
However few of us actually give ourselves permission to do this.
Many of us will try to shut down or deny our feelings.
Others or us will blame ourselves.
Or, some of us will allow our anger to take over everything - including enjoyment or happiness in other areas of our lives.
It's so important to give yourself permission to feel and process whatever it is that is presenting itself to you right now.
And, doing this doesn't mean you are weak or not coping or not doing the best you can.
It just means that this is a very difficult situation and that you are taking it as it comes so that you can fully work through it rather than brushing it aside so that it never really goes away.
I will discuss some ways that you can, and should care for yourself in the following article.
Understanding That You Are Not To Blame, But You Are Responsible For Eventually Moving Forward: Let me get this out of the way.
No matter what you may have done previously in your marriage or what you didn't do or say, no one deserves to be cheated on.
No marriage is perfect.
No one gets every need and every desire met all of the time.
Marriages between adults allow a person who becomes dissatisfied to discuss these issues with their spouse rather than betraying their spouse.
So, never allow yourself to be blamed for an action that you did not take.
There is no reason for you to beat yourself up for someone else's actions that were far outside of your control.
Many people who are cheated on will immediately begin to doubt themselves.
People who were previously confident and in control will all of a sudden wonder what they've been doing wrong or where they have been falling short.
Sometimes, even if they don't admit it to themselves, they will secretly think that if they handled things differently or were better in some way, then they would not have "driven" their spouse to cheat.
This sort of thinking is so common and so easy to fall into, but it doesn't strengthen you in any way.
It only feeds into the negative cycle that is so easy to fall into.
Sure, maybe you could have put in more and retreated less, but this is true for everyone.
And, it was not you who decided to be deceptive and unfaithful.
Always keep this in perspective.
I encourage you to be very selfish in the coming days and surround yourself with what lifts you up and makes you feel hopeful.
This may be more difficult than it sounds.
Often, no matter what you do, thoughts of the affair will continue to invade your thoughts and feelings.
This can get very old.
But, that doesn't mean that you should not keep right on trying.
Try to acknowledge the thoughts without wallowing in them and then continue on with the selfish behavior of surrounding yourself with things that make you feel better instead of work.
Try to avoid people who love to join you in misery.
Chose upbeat people who really care.
Guarding Your Self Esteem Like The Necessity That It Is: There are several ways that you can protect and care for yourself following infidelity.
The first step is allowing the feelings to come and then dealing with them in ways that eventually elevate you rather than drag you back down.
(This is probably going to take repeated efforts but it's important that you continue on.
) You will have to deal with these issues both in terms of a couple (especially if you want to save the marriage) and in terms of an individual.
So many people skip the individual part but what they don't understand is that if both individuals aren't strong and healed, then the couple part of the equation is going to really suffer.
You can't expect to rebuild a healthy marriage with two unhealthy and reeling people.
That doesn't mean that you can recover immediately, but it means that you should always be conscious of moving forward.
This is true even if you decide that you want to be single.
It's pretty easy to understand why a person's self esteem can be very negatively affected after they have been cheated on.
Most people accept this.
But, when it comes to actually caring for themselves, they fall short.
I will often see spouses actually put more effort into their other person than they do in themselves.
If you don't focus on yourself, who is going to? Let me approach this from another way.
Don't you deserve to be happy and fulfilled and secure as much as your spouse does? Are they the only ones who matter? Of course not.
So, why then, will most of us just gloss over our own self care, especially in the times when we need to concentrate on it the most? We will often spread ourselves so thin caring for others and then we blame OURSELVES when are tired or hurried or not as happy and alluring as we used to be.
We are setting ourselves up to fail in our own eyes.
We are actually the best advocate that we have, so it's time to give ourselves the same care and attention that we give our children and our spouses.
If we don't do this, then we are allowing ourselves to stay in a sort of locked door when we are the ones who have the key sitting right in our own hands.
You deserve to know that you are special, that you are worthy, and that you are deserving.
It's understandable that you would have difficulty with this after this type of betrayal and this is not your fault.
But, you do have to take responsibility for your own self care because no one is going to do it for you.
If there are things that cause you anxiety or contribute to nagging doubt, address them until they no longer follow you around.
For example, it always bothered me that I did not have my own career.
I took care of everyone else's and this kept me busy, but I always felt that I did not have the right to make decisions or demands.
When my husband cheated, I was crushed to learn that it was with someone he worked with.
And of course, I beat myself up thinking "well of course, because he can't talk to me about professional things so it's my own fault.
" Eventually I realized that this was just crazy.
But I also realized that it bothered me.
I was a smart person and had a lot to offer so it was time to show that to myself.
I went back to school and now have my own career and my own money and this has greatly helped me level of happiness and my marriage.
These nagging doubts are different for every woman but it's important to identify yours and then give yourself permission to fix them.
The dividends will make this worth it.
And, you are worth it too.