Dear World: A Suicide Letter
Updated February 07, 2013.
ELECTROBOY: When were you first aware that depression was really a severe problem for you?
JONES: Reflecting back, today I can see that my mental illness started to become a major problem about ten years ago. This is about the time that a I started making decisions that would effect the rest of my life and make it become a battle. Even today, I am still cleaning up some of the messes that I made (for example, giving away about $250,000!).
This will effect me for many years to come - - I?m still trying to recover from this mistake.
ELECTROBOY: Sounds kind of like my story, Paul. How many doctors did you see to treat your depression and did you start a medication regime right away?
JONES: I went through about four doctors only to return to my family doctor by whom I am being treated at this time. The problem that I ran into was that these "doctors" were trying to treat the cause of the illness more that they were treating the actual imbalance in my brain. This is something I talk about in my seminars. In this country we have made it so hard for our doctors to actually spend time with a patient so they take the shortest route in some cases in my opinion. I also think that three of the four doctors that I saw were more interested in how they were going to get paid than they were interested in me. My family doctor and I agreed to fight through this ourselves and he promised to treat the illness first so that I am mentally able to get through the rest of it.
ELECTROBOY: When were you first suicidal thoughts?
JONES: I have had thoughts of suicide my whole life but it was not until about four years ago that they became a constant in my head. It is very hard to explain to people who have never been through this as you well know. When I say "constant" I mean 24/7 - - 365 days of the year. I went through that for about three and a half years straight. It was truly hell on earth.
ELECTROBOY: Did you ever try to kill yourself?
JONES: I never actually tried to kill myself in the conventional sense until about two years ago and as you know that is how the book came to be. What I did do was try to die if that makes sense. I know that makes sense to you. I would drive incredibly fast with the top down in my car and stand up. I figured that being killed in a car wreck was not suicide. I began to drink very heavily after my comedy performances in hopes of having a "VH1 Behind the Scenes" rock and roller?s death. You know - - booze bottle in one hand. I did many things to try to die. I had a real fear of my children knowing that "daddy shot himself in the head" plus I didn?t have the guts to shoot myself. I mean, what if I messed up and ended up eating apple sauce through a tube down my nose? Now that would really be depressing.
ELECTROBOY: Paul, you really paint a side of suicide I?ve never seen. Is this all in the book?
PAUL JONES: Yes, it?s all in there.
ELECTROBOY: When were you first aware that depression was really a severe problem for you?
JONES: Reflecting back, today I can see that my mental illness started to become a major problem about ten years ago. This is about the time that a I started making decisions that would effect the rest of my life and make it become a battle. Even today, I am still cleaning up some of the messes that I made (for example, giving away about $250,000!).
This will effect me for many years to come - - I?m still trying to recover from this mistake.
ELECTROBOY: Sounds kind of like my story, Paul. How many doctors did you see to treat your depression and did you start a medication regime right away?
JONES: I went through about four doctors only to return to my family doctor by whom I am being treated at this time. The problem that I ran into was that these "doctors" were trying to treat the cause of the illness more that they were treating the actual imbalance in my brain. This is something I talk about in my seminars. In this country we have made it so hard for our doctors to actually spend time with a patient so they take the shortest route in some cases in my opinion. I also think that three of the four doctors that I saw were more interested in how they were going to get paid than they were interested in me. My family doctor and I agreed to fight through this ourselves and he promised to treat the illness first so that I am mentally able to get through the rest of it.
ELECTROBOY: When were you first suicidal thoughts?
JONES: I have had thoughts of suicide my whole life but it was not until about four years ago that they became a constant in my head. It is very hard to explain to people who have never been through this as you well know. When I say "constant" I mean 24/7 - - 365 days of the year. I went through that for about three and a half years straight. It was truly hell on earth.
ELECTROBOY: Did you ever try to kill yourself?
JONES: I never actually tried to kill myself in the conventional sense until about two years ago and as you know that is how the book came to be. What I did do was try to die if that makes sense. I know that makes sense to you. I would drive incredibly fast with the top down in my car and stand up. I figured that being killed in a car wreck was not suicide. I began to drink very heavily after my comedy performances in hopes of having a "VH1 Behind the Scenes" rock and roller?s death. You know - - booze bottle in one hand. I did many things to try to die. I had a real fear of my children knowing that "daddy shot himself in the head" plus I didn?t have the guts to shoot myself. I mean, what if I messed up and ended up eating apple sauce through a tube down my nose? Now that would really be depressing.
ELECTROBOY: Paul, you really paint a side of suicide I?ve never seen. Is this all in the book?
PAUL JONES: Yes, it?s all in there.
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