Question: My ex and I have been divorced for two years. While we have our differences, I really do want him to be involved in our kids' lives. But he's pulled away -- probably because he knows I'm still angry and hurt. Recently, he's begun to come up with excuses for disappointing the kids, to the point where they're not even sure they can trust him. Moving forward, what can I do to encourage my kids to have a better relationship with my ex?

Answer:

1. Rise above. First, if you want your kids to have a positive, ongoing relationship with your ex, you'll need to set aside the hurts you could justifiably hold on to and take a more neutral stance. For some families, it even helps to say out loud, "I want you to be a part of the kids' lives, so I've decided to set the past aside." You may feel that it goes without saying, but your ex may (appropriately or not) be waiting for permission to move forward.
2. Make time. Last-minute schedule changes are inconvenient. But if you want your kids to rekindle their relationship with your ex -- and keep it going strong -- you may have to be flexible. This means rearranging your schedule when it works, but it doesn't mean being a doormat your ex can walk all over. To set boundaries you may need to define limits by saying things like, "I'm willing to change our schedule this time," or "If you'd given me more notice, I could have rearranged the kid's gymnastics classes. Do you want to meet them there instead?"

1. Bite your tongue. You wouldn't be human if ugly thoughts didn't cross your mind from time to time. But when it comes to what you think of your ex, it's vital that you keep those thoughts to yourself. Disclosing negative opinions doesn't just hurt your kids' relationship with your ex -- it can even impact their self-esteem. This doesn't mean that you should avoid topics that aren't rosy; it means refraining from impulsive, reactionary outbursts and not sharing adult details with your kids. (For guidelines, read How to Talk With Your Kids About Divorce, Separation, or an Absent Parent.) 
2. Start fresh. While you may be justified to be cynical and expect the worst, one of the best ways to encourage your kids' relationship with your ex is to take a fresh approach. If he's wronged you in the past, it would be natural to expect more negativity and disappointment. But moving to a higher plane -- for yourself and your kids -- may depend on you making an intentional effort to look at your ex with new eyes. Instead of seeing an ex-husband who wronged you, choose to see the father your kids want to spend time with. Sometimes treating people like the way we wish they'd act helps them start to behave that way.

Finally, as much as you want your kids to enjoy a meaningful, consistent relationship with your ex, it's also important to acknowledge that there's only so much you can do. If your ex is resistant, do what you can to keep the door open, while also trusting that your kids are getting what they need from you. Let them know how much you love them -- unconditionally, just as they are -- and talk together often about what they're thinking and feeling.