Without fail, it's nearly impossible to visit any public library or bookstore without observing books covered with fangs, bloodied vixens, pale faced dead men with slicked back hair, red eyes and fangs that make a shark's mouth look pale in comparison.
For unknown reasons, America continues its love fest for vampires.
With the popularity of Stephanie Meyer's Twilight movies, I wondered if it would be possible to fall head over heels for a vampire? If you plan to love a vampire as Bella Swan did, you will need to brush up on your vampire folklore.
Vampirism comes from adding someone else's life force to your own by sucking on the neck of some unsuspecting victim.
Following the supersized hickey, the vampire will then have himself a bloody cocktail made from human blood.
So what else do we know about vampires? We know they despise crosses, churches, mirrors, garlic, and stake.
Knowing this, a normal person may be unfulfilled emotionally by a vampire.
So if a modern day Bella dated a real vampire, this is how it would go: Bella: Edward, can you possibly pick up the laundry or dust for cobwebs? All you ever do is hang around and play with your hair.
I can't even remember the last time you cleaned a commode around here.
Edward: Bella, you know I don't mind a little dirt.
Besides, I sleep in a coffin full of spiders and rats and wear the same clothes.
Bella: Ok, can we at least have lunch with mother tomorrow afternoon? Edward: No can do, you know what sunlight does to my pale glassy complexion.
Sunlight just burns me up.
Bella: Well, how about attending Sunday Mass with mother and me? Edward: Sorry Bella, I don't do church.
I have a thing about crosses, holy water and God.
Besides, you know I am an atheist.
Take the kids and have a wonderful time.
Bella: So how's the job search going? You know I don't make squat at the gas station.
Edward: You know I can only work third shift and no one is willing to let me leave before sunrise to get home for a nap.
Bella: I am getting sick of this marriage.
You don't work, clean, attend church, brush your fangs and you always smell like old mothballs.
I know you have saved my life in the past but what have you done for me lately? Sorry deadbeat, I am taking the kids and suing you for child support.
Have a nice life loser!