Mum's the Word - Minimize Parenting Conflict After Divorce by Altering Communication Patterns
Much of the ongoing conflict during and after divorce can be minimized when parents alter the way they communicate. For the most part, our communication is automatic; we repeat the same ineffective patterns over and over. To help break the cycle of conflict, parents need to learn new patterns.
Ignore inflammatory remarks. Simply do not acknowledge or reply to any negative, accusatory or insulting comments. This can be both the easiest and the hardest new pattern to learn. It's easy because it involves doing nothing, and it's hard because it involves doing nothing; when what you really want to do is defend yourself against something the other person has said, reciprocate with an accusation of your own, or prove yourself to the other parent or to your child.
Take the following example:
Parent A: I've asked you hundreds of times to send Sally over with enough clothes for the weekend. This means clothes she can actually go out and play in. She's outgrown the clothes you send for her and the coat you send is so pathetic it wouldn't keep her warm in the summer, let alone in the middle of winter. You should be using the child support I pay you to buy Sally decent clothes. What do you use the child support for anyway? I guess I'm just paying you to go out and have fun with your friends because you're sure not spending the money on Sally. I've had to go out and buy her all new clothes to keep over here since you don't care enough about her to spend any money on her yourself.
Parent B might get caught up in the inflammatory remarks and respond in kind, with something like this: I can't believe you. As usual, you think only of yourself. Sally has lots of nice clothes here, but I send her over with clothes from the thrift store because you never send them back. Then I have to go out and replace everything again. Sally hates going over to your house because you always criticize her about everything. She's afraid of you and begs me not to make her go with you. If you would care more about her than your precious money, maybe she would want to spend more time with you.
Here's an alternate response from Parent B aimed at reducing conflict: I got your message. Thanks for buying new clothes for Sally to keep at your house. If you will just make sure Sally changes into the clothes she came in before she returns, that will work out great. The trick for Parent B is not to get sucked into the destructive pattern set up by Parent A.
Type instead of talk. If the communications between you and the other parent are difficult, limit your communication to email only. If you don't have a computer, you can get a free webmail account and use the computers as your local library or an Internet café.
Then, practice the new pattern we've already discussed. When you receive angry email messages from the other parent, try a simple response like, "Thank you for the information," or "I got your message, thanks." This kind of simple acknowledgment will eliminate multiple emails asking if you got the first message or why you haven't responded.
The important thing is to not react immediately. If there is something in the initial email that really requires a specific response, read the initial email a few times over 24 hours and then respond only as necessary to answer a question or provide requested information.
Start practicing now to change old patterns of communication. Eventually these will become your new patterns and will feel automatic and comfortable.
© 2009, Mary Wollard, J.D., Family Solutions Center, LLC
Mary A. Wollard, JD, is an attorney, mediator, and arbitrator with over 20 years experience in solving the legal issues of divorce, parenting (custody), marital property and support. In addition to helping families through mediation and arbitration, Ms. Wollard provides parenting coordination and decision-making services to families when on-going conflict prevents them from fully implementing their parenting plan after divorce. Visit http://www.cofamilysolutions.com/downloads.htm for free downloadable worksheets you can use to organize your family's transition.
Ignore inflammatory remarks. Simply do not acknowledge or reply to any negative, accusatory or insulting comments. This can be both the easiest and the hardest new pattern to learn. It's easy because it involves doing nothing, and it's hard because it involves doing nothing; when what you really want to do is defend yourself against something the other person has said, reciprocate with an accusation of your own, or prove yourself to the other parent or to your child.
Take the following example:
Parent A: I've asked you hundreds of times to send Sally over with enough clothes for the weekend. This means clothes she can actually go out and play in. She's outgrown the clothes you send for her and the coat you send is so pathetic it wouldn't keep her warm in the summer, let alone in the middle of winter. You should be using the child support I pay you to buy Sally decent clothes. What do you use the child support for anyway? I guess I'm just paying you to go out and have fun with your friends because you're sure not spending the money on Sally. I've had to go out and buy her all new clothes to keep over here since you don't care enough about her to spend any money on her yourself.
Parent B might get caught up in the inflammatory remarks and respond in kind, with something like this: I can't believe you. As usual, you think only of yourself. Sally has lots of nice clothes here, but I send her over with clothes from the thrift store because you never send them back. Then I have to go out and replace everything again. Sally hates going over to your house because you always criticize her about everything. She's afraid of you and begs me not to make her go with you. If you would care more about her than your precious money, maybe she would want to spend more time with you.
Here's an alternate response from Parent B aimed at reducing conflict: I got your message. Thanks for buying new clothes for Sally to keep at your house. If you will just make sure Sally changes into the clothes she came in before she returns, that will work out great. The trick for Parent B is not to get sucked into the destructive pattern set up by Parent A.
Type instead of talk. If the communications between you and the other parent are difficult, limit your communication to email only. If you don't have a computer, you can get a free webmail account and use the computers as your local library or an Internet café.
Then, practice the new pattern we've already discussed. When you receive angry email messages from the other parent, try a simple response like, "Thank you for the information," or "I got your message, thanks." This kind of simple acknowledgment will eliminate multiple emails asking if you got the first message or why you haven't responded.
The important thing is to not react immediately. If there is something in the initial email that really requires a specific response, read the initial email a few times over 24 hours and then respond only as necessary to answer a question or provide requested information.
Start practicing now to change old patterns of communication. Eventually these will become your new patterns and will feel automatic and comfortable.
© 2009, Mary Wollard, J.D., Family Solutions Center, LLC
Mary A. Wollard, JD, is an attorney, mediator, and arbitrator with over 20 years experience in solving the legal issues of divorce, parenting (custody), marital property and support. In addition to helping families through mediation and arbitration, Ms. Wollard provides parenting coordination and decision-making services to families when on-going conflict prevents them from fully implementing their parenting plan after divorce. Visit http://www.cofamilysolutions.com/downloads.htm for free downloadable worksheets you can use to organize your family's transition.
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