Becoming a mom colours everything in your life from that first intense moment forward.
For many women it's a magical time and they cherish every moment and glow from morning until night.
For me it felt like doing time.
After I was handed my beautiful, perfect baby my life changed forever and I knew and expected that, but I didn't expect the onslaught of painful emotions and experiences that followed for the months and years to come.
I suffered post partum depression or what some call the baby blues after my second baby was born.
I visited a counselor and even took some pills for a few months.
Of course, the older my children got the easier things got because they could talk to me and tell me what they needed or wanted instead of screaming.
But I remained deeply unhappy and struggling in all areas of my life for the better part of a decade.
And it wasn't depression; it was something much worse...
I loved my kids but I hated being a mom.
It took me years to admit that because when you hate being a mom it's not like hating rainy days or green peppers or even some evil fictional character.
Because becoming a mom becomes an intimate, forever part of you and when you deeply hate and feel sad about a part of yourself you just can't ever feel whole.
That's why motherhood felt like a prison to me.
I was so ashamed of myself and felt so much guilt and self loathing that it almost crushed me.
It was like I had a festering wound inside me and it stole my joy, laughter and my ability to feel good about myself.
Because how could I? All the messages out there say a woman is supposed to love motherhood and yes it can be challenging, but the maternal instinct will help you get through it.
But it's not the maternal instinct that got me through.
It took courage and willingness and the decision to do whatever it takes to heal and find the light inside myself.
The biggest challenges that motherhood makes women face are their own inadequacies and limitations.
Being responsible for a new life can feel daunting and that we are not good enough to raise a self sufficient and authentic adult.
The only way to heal all these perceptions and negative emotions is to take responsibility for them within ourselves and take the necessary healing steps.
Because when we feel whole and loving towards ourselves we can truly and authentically feel that way towards others including our children and everyone else no matter who they are.