The Forgotten Mothers
This year Mother's Day is being celebrated on Sunday, May 10, 2009.
It is a joyous day for mother's worldwide and fathers too who have served as mothers.
Most families are spending their day celebrating the mother's within their circles.
Children are buying or creating gifts for their mothers.
All in all it is wonderful to be celebrating mothers and giving thanks for the things they do for their children and their families.
However, there is a group of Mothers that are often forgotten and overlooked.
These are the Mothers who were almost mothers.
They have suffered the loss of a child whether through miscarriage, abortion, a still-born child, a baby who died a few months after being born or even the loss of a full-grown child.
Mother's Day can be a very traumatic day for these mothers.
Unfortunately they are often overlooked because individuals may think that there is no baby, so "she" really isn't a Mother or the child is already dead, there is no physical child so Mother's Day isn't really for her.
Unknowingly, these individuals, although well-meaning, do not realize how much their thinking and their attitude is hurtful.
To that "almost" mother, she is a mother, who just happened to have lost her child.
To treat her as anything less, is insensitive, thoughtless and hurtful.
For those of you who have never experienced the loss of a child, you are not able to imagine the immense pain a woman goes through especially if she had suffered a miscarriage.
Not to say that other kinds of child loss is any less traumatic, but when a woman suffers a miscarriage, society tends to look at it as there was no child so it was not a big deal so she should get over it.
Mourn for a time and then get over it.
No one can tell someone how long they should grieve over the death of a child.
That is up to the Mother.
At least individuals should understand that the first anniversary of anything relating to the death of the child will be extremely painful.
If a woman suffered a miscarriage or any other forms of a loss of a pregnancy the week or month the baby would have been born will very traumatic for her; the anniversary of when she suffered the involuntary lost of the baby or when she had a surgery for an abortion will be another traumatic time for her; the first "would be" birthday of the baby will be another traumatic time for her; and most importantly the first Mother's Day after she lost the baby and the first Mother's Day when she would have been holding her precious and beautiful baby in her arms will be extremely difficult for her.
Men are usually the ones who have no idea on how to deal with a woman who has lost a child.
Men are programmed to not deal with their emotions.
They are taught that if something happens you deal with it and then you move on.
So it is understandable why they are unable to deal with a woman who they think is being over-emotional over the death of a child that was either not in existence or they may feel it's time you got over it and move on.
Unfortunately, that sort of behaviour is extremely frustrating and crushing for the woman who is repeatedly being traumatized on every reminder for the first year especially on Mother's Day.
To her, the man may seem to be cold, callous and unfeeling.
It is during this time that the woman who has suffered the loss needs all the genuine support she can get in order to facilitate her healing.
By receiving genuine love and support she will be able to get back on her feet quicker.
However, if she constantly has to deal with a individuals who are not supportive or those who think she is being dramatic and over-emotional, then she would only be further depressed and it will take her longer to heal thus giving credence to those who think she is feeding her emotions.
Know from the get go that Mother's Day is going to be a difficult day for her so be mindful of how she will be feeling especially if you have beautiful healthy children.
This may not be the time to crow about the gifts your children bought or created for you.
Whatever you do, do not let her feel as if she is an afterthought or even let her know outright that you are going to spend time with your mother or your children before you visit her.
That would further depress her and remind her that she is not important which she may already be feeling due to her loss.
So how do you handle those forgotten mothers? Well, if she is a close friend of yours, take her out for a day at the Spa or maybe after you have spent the some time with your mother and your children, you can stop by her place and spend an hour or two with her.
If you know she likes flowers, purchase a bouquet of her favourite flowers with maybe a box of chocolates.
If she is up for it (and please ask her beforehand, don't assume), you could invite her to spend time with your family.
You could also explain the situation to your children if they are old enough to understand so they would not say anything hurtful.
Children are sometimes more sympathetic and understanding than adults.
Another thing that you could do is if you know that you will be super busy on Mother's Day, you could invite her out beforehand to either a celebratory Lunch or Dinner and wish her a happy Mother's Day and you could choose to present her with a gift at that time.
More than likely taking her out for a celebratory Lunch or Dinner will suffice.
Under no circumstances should you choose to imply to her face during the week preceding Mother's Day that she is being over-emotional and that she is feeding her emotions.
That would be the heights of insensitivity.
For those of you Mothers who have suffered the traumatic loss of a child, ALWAYS REMEMBER you are not forgotten: HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY TO YOU AND TO ALL THE MOTHER'S OUT THERE! YOU ARE LOVED!
It is a joyous day for mother's worldwide and fathers too who have served as mothers.
Most families are spending their day celebrating the mother's within their circles.
Children are buying or creating gifts for their mothers.
All in all it is wonderful to be celebrating mothers and giving thanks for the things they do for their children and their families.
However, there is a group of Mothers that are often forgotten and overlooked.
These are the Mothers who were almost mothers.
They have suffered the loss of a child whether through miscarriage, abortion, a still-born child, a baby who died a few months after being born or even the loss of a full-grown child.
Mother's Day can be a very traumatic day for these mothers.
Unfortunately they are often overlooked because individuals may think that there is no baby, so "she" really isn't a Mother or the child is already dead, there is no physical child so Mother's Day isn't really for her.
Unknowingly, these individuals, although well-meaning, do not realize how much their thinking and their attitude is hurtful.
To that "almost" mother, she is a mother, who just happened to have lost her child.
To treat her as anything less, is insensitive, thoughtless and hurtful.
For those of you who have never experienced the loss of a child, you are not able to imagine the immense pain a woman goes through especially if she had suffered a miscarriage.
Not to say that other kinds of child loss is any less traumatic, but when a woman suffers a miscarriage, society tends to look at it as there was no child so it was not a big deal so she should get over it.
Mourn for a time and then get over it.
No one can tell someone how long they should grieve over the death of a child.
That is up to the Mother.
At least individuals should understand that the first anniversary of anything relating to the death of the child will be extremely painful.
If a woman suffered a miscarriage or any other forms of a loss of a pregnancy the week or month the baby would have been born will very traumatic for her; the anniversary of when she suffered the involuntary lost of the baby or when she had a surgery for an abortion will be another traumatic time for her; the first "would be" birthday of the baby will be another traumatic time for her; and most importantly the first Mother's Day after she lost the baby and the first Mother's Day when she would have been holding her precious and beautiful baby in her arms will be extremely difficult for her.
Men are usually the ones who have no idea on how to deal with a woman who has lost a child.
Men are programmed to not deal with their emotions.
They are taught that if something happens you deal with it and then you move on.
So it is understandable why they are unable to deal with a woman who they think is being over-emotional over the death of a child that was either not in existence or they may feel it's time you got over it and move on.
Unfortunately, that sort of behaviour is extremely frustrating and crushing for the woman who is repeatedly being traumatized on every reminder for the first year especially on Mother's Day.
To her, the man may seem to be cold, callous and unfeeling.
It is during this time that the woman who has suffered the loss needs all the genuine support she can get in order to facilitate her healing.
By receiving genuine love and support she will be able to get back on her feet quicker.
However, if she constantly has to deal with a individuals who are not supportive or those who think she is being dramatic and over-emotional, then she would only be further depressed and it will take her longer to heal thus giving credence to those who think she is feeding her emotions.
Know from the get go that Mother's Day is going to be a difficult day for her so be mindful of how she will be feeling especially if you have beautiful healthy children.
This may not be the time to crow about the gifts your children bought or created for you.
Whatever you do, do not let her feel as if she is an afterthought or even let her know outright that you are going to spend time with your mother or your children before you visit her.
That would further depress her and remind her that she is not important which she may already be feeling due to her loss.
So how do you handle those forgotten mothers? Well, if she is a close friend of yours, take her out for a day at the Spa or maybe after you have spent the some time with your mother and your children, you can stop by her place and spend an hour or two with her.
If you know she likes flowers, purchase a bouquet of her favourite flowers with maybe a box of chocolates.
If she is up for it (and please ask her beforehand, don't assume), you could invite her to spend time with your family.
You could also explain the situation to your children if they are old enough to understand so they would not say anything hurtful.
Children are sometimes more sympathetic and understanding than adults.
Another thing that you could do is if you know that you will be super busy on Mother's Day, you could invite her out beforehand to either a celebratory Lunch or Dinner and wish her a happy Mother's Day and you could choose to present her with a gift at that time.
More than likely taking her out for a celebratory Lunch or Dinner will suffice.
Under no circumstances should you choose to imply to her face during the week preceding Mother's Day that she is being over-emotional and that she is feeding her emotions.
That would be the heights of insensitivity.
For those of you Mothers who have suffered the traumatic loss of a child, ALWAYS REMEMBER you are not forgotten: HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY TO YOU AND TO ALL THE MOTHER'S OUT THERE! YOU ARE LOVED!
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