I get a ton of spam a day.
It automatically gets delegated to the bulk mail via my spam filter.
Therefore, I rarely read it but once in a while I scan it for those pieces that were sent by mistake and need attention.
It's been a few years since spam has become the dominant irritant on the net and I thought I would give it the attention it deserves.
So I read a bunch for 30 seconds or so and figured that there must be several folks out there reading this article that still make their living sending out this fluff.
So, as a public service, let me give you people a few words of wisdom.
I was in advertising for over 35 years and created my share of mailers, headlines and copy.
I feel I am qualified to preach and criticize regarding the pathetic attempts at capturing my interest.
Let's me begin by saying that I don't require the vast preponderance of what you marketers have to sell.
That includes all of the following:

• Anything that affects the size of my penis (or breasts for my wife)
• Other ways to improve my sex life in general
• Ways to meet people of the opposite (or same) sex
• Free offers of everything from movie tickets to land in Guam
• Offers of employment or improving my current job
• Work-from-home or business start-up opportunities
• Congratulations for winning something
• Weight loss secrets, pills, herbs, plans, and books.
  
• Final notices that I am missing something important or near a deadline
• Reserved items or claims waiting for me
• Confirmation numbers and made-up account numbers
• Instant cash, mortgages, and pre-approved credit and credit scores

That about covers the majority of the spam I have received in the past week.
I was almost tempted to read a few because I do have some of those accounts they mentioned, but you can't fool me too often with the same old tricks.
So perhaps it's time to take a new tact.
Forget the old headlines that push the trite come-ons I just enumerated.
Instead, why not got for forceful and compelling titles that will really make one sit up and take note? Here are just a few that come to mind:

• From: Mercy Hospital - Your brother is in a coma, details attached
• Urgent! The Internal Revenue Service needs a tax item clarified.
  
• New diets pills that work while you stuff your fat face.
  Is it possible?
• Someone hacked your computer and deleted all your porn.
  Must read.
  
• This just in: How a smaller penis may actually be better for sex.
  
• There are no singles in your area that want you and you should know why.
  
• Amazing! Hard work and proper investing can make you fabulously rich!
• Sex for free! Ask your spouse for details.
  
• It's time for your dog's rabies shot.
  Ask us how we know.
  
• Anthrax may havebeen sent to you by mistake.
  Use this email instead, to be safe.
  
• I am not a wealthy Nigerian relative, recently deceased.
  How strange is that?
• Are you smarter than a 5th grader? Then why are you reading this spam?

I hope I was able to jump-start your creative juices and get you thinking about what type of message the general public really would react to and open.
There are many more ways to bilk and flim-flam us into thinking any of this junk is legitimate.
Or, you could decide to market worthwhile information that makes sense, improves our lives, or teaches us something useful.
But, then again, it wouldn't be called spam, now would it?