Its funny how you try to search for answers when all the time its right in front of you and the reason you don't find the answer is because you search too hard, you allow your head and mind to search when you should actually allow your heart to search. The truth is that when you seek you will find, because you seek with your heart, but when you look for its hard to find because the more you look the less you see.

This article is free and you can send it others to help them as well if it helped you. Please I am not a counsellor, I have only stated here principles that worked for me. I also ask that no changes be made if you pass this on.

About Me
I am a 40 year old business woman and musician who comes from a humble African background. I have three beautiful children who sometimes make my life 'hectic' but in a nice way because I could not have asked for better children, they are a source of joy to me and I know with all my heart that they are my gift from the Almighty to make this life more bearable for me. My children make life meaningful for me and my hope is to help them realise who they are in Christ and have a stand that can never be shaken by society or peer pressure.

I have come to realise that it is not over till you are 6 feet under the ground, where you can be of no use to anyone let alone yourself. It does not matter where you have been what you have done, what matters is where you are going and if you can not make a determination to move on then you will remain where you are, rot and die there!

It might seem like I am too hard but I have come to realise with my own situation that the person who actually looks out for you is yourself, if you have no love for and confidence in your self no one will have love for or confidence in you.

Believing that you can move forward is important in making the decisions to get out the self-pitying state that you are in right now.

I was trying to get out of my self pitying state and it was hard for me, because I thought that leaving my marriage was a failure on my part, the culture I come from says that it is the woman that keeps the home, so if the marriage does not work, shame on the woman! Utter rubbish, what then should the man be doing, sleeping around? its hog wash, keeping a home depends on both the man and the woman and the sooner we realise that the better all our lives will be and the less the divorce rates will be, why will I want to be a member of the divorcee league if I have a happy home and a husband who is understanding, faithful and supportive, I'd be a fool to leave him.

If you have found yourself in this position, don't beat yourself down, whether you are a man or woman, if you have been faithful, tolerant and forgiving, then the other person is the problem not you. I have always maintained that if your spouse does not beat you physically (you will be surprised that wives beat their husbands too) if they do not psychologically make you feel small, by belittling you, if they do not cheat on you repeatedly, then my advice will be to seek counsellings and work things out because you can never find anybody who is 100% perfect, except Christ that is why He is our Lord and Saviour.

Even when they are all the things that I have listed above, try to make an effort to get help to see if you can both try to forgive each other and move on, but in the case where there is a divorce, then my dear friend don't flog your self into thinking that you could have done anything especially if you have been spiritually dealt with negatively in the relationship, by this I mean if you have reached a stage when all you do is cry and cannot pray anymore because it seems as if God does not hear your prayers anymore. In any marriage if the Holy Spirit, who incidentally is our counsellor, is not involved then it's a pity you will find yourselves on the opposite sides of the wall, I know because it happened to me.

While I am not a marriage counsellor I can only say that the foundation upon which a marriage is built determines how long it will last.

Steps To Follow.

Step one - Talk. Mourn the marriage, by talking about it with loved ones. Now that the marriage/relationship is over, you are devastated, you should be, if like me you started from nothing and built something before the marriage/relationship fell apart, give your self time to mourn the marriage, because it was alive while it lasted however it died when you guys went your separate ways. If like me, you have a supportive family, talk as much as you can about what happened, talk about the good the bad and the ugly, talk talk talk, it helps the healing process, by the way while you are talking, consider the persons you are talking with because if like me you talk to a person who comes in disguise as a friend but goes behind your back and tells your ex-spouse, who has vowed to cut you off, your dreams and aspirations then I am sorry for you because they have given your ex-spouse one over you, so the best people to talk, talk, talk, to are your family, or a paid psychiatrist whose job it is to help you move on, as for me I talked to my sisters, my brothers in laws, any member of my family who was willing to listen and just listen, because I just could not get over the betrayal easily and talking helped because it started the healing process.

Step Two - Forgive. As simple as this word sounds, it can be hard especially if you are the injured partner. However for you to move on and I mean really move on you have to let go, take a deep breath and just say 'I forgive you, if you do not hear me your spirit hears me I forgive you' now saying it is a big help because it has taken the word from your heart and let it out so that you can begin to properly heal, I am telling you no matter what the other person has done, just let go and create space in your life for wonderful things to happen. The truth is that as long as there is still a bitter taste in your mouth, nothing else will taste sweet, so give your mouth a good wash and start eating new things and tasting them. Forgiving is the ingredient for washing away any bitter feelings in your heart to create space for new and better things.

Step Three - Spiritual Self Evaluation. The next step for me was re-evaluating my life, trying to find my balance back with my God (this was a big step for me as finding God again really helped me) asking myself what next(regarding my finances at this point I am on the dole and not getting anywhere), as I am now a single mother of 3 beautiful children who by the way have started establishing a relationship with their father after about 2 years, he calls them once in a while and buys them presents, we do not speak, not by my own doing because I would rather we be friends because honestly there is no need for any negative energy (another topic for another time) here I was 34 years old, no JOB, no savings, zilch, as I had stopped working when the trauma of the break up got to me , I could not concentrate on work.

So re-evaluation made me see clearly where I was and where I would rather be and going back in to the Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth (which is simply the BIBLE) I began to read scriptures that made me understand that my life was not a mistake and that in fact the Holy Spirit knew where I was going to be at this point in time in my life and so whether I knew it at that time or not He orchestrated it so that when the break up will happen I will have a place to be far away from where society will judge my decision to leave the marriage, He also provided me with a house (a brand new council house in which I still live, however in my spirit I have moved to my Mansion) so that I will not live on the streets, bearing in mind that I had no job at this point and He also made it possible for me to have my sisters around me as He also orchestrated it that we will all be living in our new country of residence at about the same time.

Now the truth of the matter is that if I didn't sit down to actually think about my life I would not see past my hurt and how bad things were and where I am now, and therefore remain in my self pitying state, but I was determined not to remain there so I re-valued my life without a spouse, and I found out that I actually now began to have more peace of mind in knowing that God had my back, a passage that helped me here was in Isaiah 43:19 "Behold, I will do a new thing; now it shall spring forth; shall ye not know it? I will even make a way in the wilderness, and rivers in the desert". I needed a new life, I needed to find a way in the wilderness of pain and betrayal and I needed rivers of blessings in my financial desert. Just so that we don't get confused I am not a preacher or a teacher of the Bible, these are just things that worked for me as a person and I would like to share with people, honestly I can say with all assurance and authority what we need to live a joyful and trouble free life can be found in the Bible I am telling you dear friends and its such a simple book to follow don't let people who think they know too much confuse you of that simple fact, it's a book that is simple to read and understand, get an NIV (New Improved Version) version as the King James version can sometimes make English seem like a difficult language, when it's not

Step Four - Seeing where you would like to be and confessing it. I began to understand that I was not satisfied with where I was as a person and I decided that I needed to do something, I began to pray and I am telling you friends did I pray, however there is praying and praying the right way. I began by confessing to myself who I am in Christ and telling myself what I wanted from life and how I was going to get it, friends confession is a good thing because it reaffirms what you believe on the inside and reading some of the books I have read has lead me to believe that I was on the right track. Confession also helps to bring you back on track just in case things don't go as you planned. What I mean here is that, there are times when peace will surround you when you take the step to re-value your life, however times will come when a little incidence can trigger a lot of bad memories and if you allow your self to be sucked into that it might take you back to square one, so confessing positively will align your spirit man and your human man. Don't be ashamed to believe that you are better than what people think you are, because people will judge you. One good confession that worked for me which I also got from the bible is "I am more than a conqueror" what this means is that you are indestructible in Christ; your value has not diminished because your marriage went wrong. Incidentally I made an album titled 'Conqueror'

Dear friends, while divorce or separation is a way out of a bad marriage, the best thing to do will be to seek help to see if the marriage can be salvaged, because God's plan for marriage is not to see it break, He even warns about anyone breaking up other people's marriages (What therefore God has joined together let not man put asunder) I am telling you marriage is a very serious issue with God, it's a spiritually ordained institution and so it is good to be married at the appointed time and to the right person.

However in the event that it does not work then please don't despair, it probably means that the one God ordained for you is on the way, in saying this don't go out there looking for the next Mr or Mrs right, because if you don't re-evaluate your life and find out what went wrong, or what you did wrong you will keep making the same mistakes, its not really advisable to jump from one relationship to another without taking stock of your life as it is now and see if you are ready to get into another marriage or relationship, you must be ready spiritually first, honestly I cant stress that point enough you must be ready spiritually.

In conclusion, it is important to know that talking helps the healing process, when you talk there might be tears, regrets, doubts, fear of the future alone, etc being able to talk about your fears etc helps to put your life in perspective and if you are able to have understanding people around you like I did then you are on your way to healing, if you don't have close family members, like I said there are bodies in place to help you and searching your counseling directory (in your country) for such help lines should be the first thing you do instead of locking up yourself and crying or thinking about it, because if you don't talk about it the situations seems bigger than it is. Forgiving and letting go will create enough room in your mind and heart to thoroughly evaluate your life. Evaluation of your self knowing what you would like to do with your life now that you are single again is an important part of healing, it does not matter whether you have a degree or whether you have never worked before, there is always something you can do with your life you just have to have a positive attitude and finally speaking out what you believe about what you would like to do and believing that you can do it is important. Now there would be those who already have careers, now would be a good time to set new goals for your life.

It was through evaluation that I realised that I wanted to write and I promptly started researching about writing on the Internet and I found the tools that would enable me grow as a person and also grow financially. I am still growing and will continue to improve upon my work as a writer and a musician. Hopefully I will get a place where I will be able to help as many as God will send in my direction.

To the young and single ones who have never been married who will stumble upon this article, understand that the foundation of your relationship will depend upon how well it will turn out, if your relationship is based on the flesh (canal or sexual) then it will crumble because the flesh is corruptible and easily deceived, but if its based on a deep and spiritual foundation, then I can assure you that no matter what may happen the relationship will stand, come rain come shine. I know because I am speaking from experience.

PS: You don't have to be a Christian to understand that there is a greater force in the Universe that directs our lives, just know that your ability to love yourself will determine how you can love others and how others can love you.

email: esse@xclusive.ie

PS: This article was written a few years back even though it's just been submitted here. Part 2 of this article is the most recent article, so watch out.