I meet a lot of guys who are not getting what they want from their relationships.
Why? Well, if you ask them if they have a relationship goal, most have vague ideas about more.
More alone time.
More touch.
More appreciation.
More sex.
More respect.
Believe me, that's a good place to start.
But there's a funny thing about relationships.
They resist direct attempts at changing them.
So, these kinds of goals are destined not only to fail, but to get you farther from where you are headed than you are right now.
Maybe you've seen this...
Steve approaches his wife Maria like so.
"Honey, I've been feeling like we haven't been spending a lot of time alone together.
I need more time with you.
And I need to be touched more.
So, tomorrow after the kids are in bed would you be okay with us lighting some candles and giving each other a nice back rub?" Sounds good, right? If you're like most guys you probably can't see anything wrong with this approach.
Don't feel bad.
I couldn't either.
Truth is there are a train-load of mistakes built into that request so that Steve is unlikely to get much play unless Maria is really understanding.
And even if she is, if he keeps them up things are going to go downhill.
To avoid a similar fate, I want you to understand a few relationship goal principles that I happened to learn the hard way.
Here they are: 1.
Focus on the present.
Notice how Steve talked a lot about past mistakes.
That's gonna come off very judgemental to your woman.
She's going to feel like she's not what you want.
Like your expectations are too high.
That she can't live up to them.
Instead talk about what you can do right now: "Hey, babe.
Your skin feels so soft today.
I gotta have more.
How's about when the kids are in bed, I give you a little Fernando the master masseuse action?" 2.
Focus on the positive.
So, she hasn't touched you the way you wanted her to in a month.
What if the best contact you've had lately was that time she punched you in the chest during your last fight? Swallow your pride and be true to what you really want.
Focusing on the positive means talking only about what you want to happen, not about what's been happening so far that you don't like.
It means approaching it from a casual place.
An "I believe this can happen" place.
3.
Focus on asking.
Real men make requests.
You don't fear no.
Because you know that no is not judgement.
Not a reflection on your value.
It's just a result of the collision of two separate unique people.
You know that the man who can ask without fearing no, even if he gets a no once in a while, is likely to hear yes more often and more enthusiastically down the road.
4.
Focus on specifics.
It's easy when you are getting started with asking practice to go too general.
The problem is general comes off as negative and weak.
It's just another way of avoiding no.
Instead get specific.
Instead of "I want to spend more alone time with you.
" Say, "I want to take you to New York City for the weekend.
" 5.
Focus on giving and having experiences.
Men with relationship problems tend to see things black and white.
All good or all bad.
All blessing or all curse.
I did.
The exceptional man, the one who gets what he wants sees everything as an experience.
Sees the humor in it all.
Sees the beauty in his wife's stubbornness.
See the opportunity to grow and endure and stretch and challenge himself as the fabric from which his life and relationship ultimately are cut.
See, it's not about things going right.
It's about how you handle it.