In my journey along the tantric path, I have spent a lot of time exploring love--what it is and what it isn't.
In my own life I have found that the most important thing about true love, is that it covers all the bases--it is a love that contains all the aspects of romantic relationship that I need to have a whole and complete partnership with another person.
In thinking about how to share this knowledge, I realized that I could easily describe a full and satisfying relationship using the spiritual language of the four elements.
If I have the highest expression of each element in my romantic relationships, then I have true love.
This idea is backed up by psychologist Richard Sternberg, who proposed that love is the result of three components - intimacy, passion and commitment.
He said that the love is strongest when all three of these components are strong.
He calls this "consummate love".
So whether you call it true love or consummate love, there is this idea that you must weave together several components to find a happy and joyful divine union.
In shamanic practice the four elements are seen as the basic building blocks of the spiritual universe.
Because they are the building blocks, we look at how they are balanced against each other both within ourselves and in relationship.
They don't have to be perfectly balanced in equal amounts.
Every individual is different, as is every relationship.
I may have only a pinch of air in my individual makeup, but a boatload of it in my true love relationship.
So to begin on the quest of finding true love, I embarked on a love affair with myself.
The first thing I discovered was that I could break down that love affair into four parts corresponding to the elements: Physical Body Care: Exercise, Nutrition, Rest, Appearance (Earth element).
Emotional Body Care: Gratitude, Journaling (Water element) Mind Care: Learning New Things, Meditation (thought mastery), Play (Air element) Creative/Sexual Energy Outlets: Creative pursuits, Self-Pleasure Practice (Fire element) These create a Pyramid of self-love for me.
Earth is my foundation, without it, I can't do anything else.
If my body isn't functioning well, or if I'm sleep-deprived, then I am not going to be able to think or create, let alone be stable emotionally.
Water is the next layer on top of that, I have to do the constant practice of keeping myself in a positive emotional state by releasing sadness, fear, and anger through journaling, and drawing in love, joy, and pleasure through gratitude practice.
Once these parts of myself are nurtured, then my mind can be both sharp and calm at the same time.
And with all right within me, I start to feel like creating and moving my sexual energy through my body.
Romantically speaking, the elements play a role in how I am relating to my partner.
From my years of experience in learning about relationships, I see four main components that must be present to create a "true love" partnership: Trust-When I have the experience of seeing a romantic partner do what they say they will do, then I begin to feel safe, and that perhaps there is a possibility of commitment.
That commitment evolves into agreements and trust over time as the agreements are kept.
This is the element of Earth in relationship and the foundation of true love.
Unconditional Love--When I am able to accept my partner completely as they are, I know that I am experiencing a part of true love.
For me, unconditional love starts as a strong emotional connection, vulnerability and sharing about our lives.
This evolves into understanding, empathy, and acceptance, then transforms into unconditional love over time.
This is the element of Water in relationship, and the second step on the pyramid of true love.
Ease--When I have ease and flow with my partner, I know that I have a very important part of true love.
Ease begins with shared interests, the ability to play together, and communication that is clear and compassionate.
Over time this evolves into an ability to have life together unfold with effortlessness.
This is the element of Air in relationship, and the third step on the pyramid of true love.
Passion--This is the part of true love that we all seem to seek in the end.
For me, it's my ultimate goal, but I have to have the foundation of Trust, Unconditional Love, and Ease for the passion to last and feel satisfying and healthy.
Passion can be confusing, because it may be present in an unhealthy relationship without the other components of true love.
Usually this type of relationship collapses after a fairly short time.
Passion begins as sexual attraction, and can evolve into shared creations, creating a business, a child, or a home together.
This is the Element of Fire in relationship, and the pinnacle of the pyramid of true love.
When all four of these things are present in relationship, Spirit weaves them together to create true love.
This is the love that poets write about, and that we see in couples walking hand in hand in the park after 30 years of happy marriage.
This is a divine experience, you let Spirit take over and you surrender.
Next month we'll talk in more detail about the foundation of the pyramid of true love: Trust.