More than half of marriages end in divorce in the United States today, and that statistic is actually higher here in New York City. People haven't really changed in the last sixty years, but our culture has. Sixty years ago, divorce wasn't nearly as socially acceptable and women didn't have the opportunities for a quality life outside of being married. So instead of considering divorce, many people in unhappy marriages just stuck it out. There was no such thing as couples counseling in New York.

Thankfully there are more options for struggling partners today. Staying in an unhappy relationship is not necessary, but neither is giving up and walking away. Many relationships can be saved with some professional couple's counseling. New York City offers professional counselors in the thousands, so access is not a problem!

What's The Beef?

The most common issue that couples report is becoming "disconnected" from one another. Over time, people grow and change. Often their priorities and goals change. The problem is these things change differently for each person.

Another issue often reported is "arguing all the time." Financial problems, parenting and other everyday struggles of life create tension. When people argue often, they get angry, and when they get angry, they say things they shouldn't. Feelings get hurt and resentment sets in. Thus the tension snowballs. Some healthy arguing and communications skills need to be applied to stop this snowball.

Whatever is causing the conflict in a relationship, anything worth having is worth working for. Couples counseling is the best place for that work to begin.

Most people wait five to six years after conflicts arise to consider counseling. The problem with waiting so long is that during that time, unhealthy fighting and coping habits have created more and more pain and the couple has grown further and further apart. One or both people may have sought comfort outside of the relationship, which might have been avoided had they not waited so long to seek professional help.

The Process

The first step in counseling is to identify what the primary conflicts are. They are very similar for the vast majority of couples and fall somewhere in the realm of the issues mentioned above.

Once the problems are identified, problem-solving tools are developed to deal with them. The tools should be developed with the couple and the counselor together. The counselor can provide suggestions. The couple can design them for their own personal use.

Sessions will not always be conducted with both partners together. Sometimes each partner needs to vent some hurts and areas of mistrust of the other in a private setting. The therapist may need to assess the relationship for abuse by one or both partners. Most of us are abusive at one point or another, on an emotional level, in our relationships. But sometimes one partner is being severely abusive to the other, and this issue may need to be explored and dealt with prior to any further progress for the relationship.

Most counselors recommend couples plan for at least twelve to fifteen sessions, but it shouldn't take that long to see if the newly developed skills are working. Once the new tools and skills are put to use, arguments should be healthier, communication should improve, animosity should decrease and affection should improve. But don't quit too soon! Much like an antibiotic prescribed to fight an infection, stopping too soon may only kick the proverbial can down the road.